The Pain Chronicles

I have found a use for the Tylenol 3's. Whew. My $6.83 won't go to waste like the $89 asthma medication I only used half of.

No, I can't tolerate it during the daytime. It makes me feel seasick which I'm totally not good with. This alone makes me want to die. The thought of going through the rest of my life that way? Not an option.

But, if I take one at bedtime, it appears to help me sleep through the entire night and I wake up kinda refreshed and in not quite so much pain. While there are certainly other less toxic substances to help me sleep they tend to have that dry eye hangover effect on me. But I think what's also happening is that the muscle weakness while I'm asleep and not using them, is making them relax. So I wake up feeling at least good enough to do more than just show up to work. I've got the energy and mindset necessary to do the grunge work like bookkeeping.

Unfortunately, my shoulders seem to be seizing up pretty bad. I don't know if this is related to my neck or if I have something else going on. I'm having a very hard time getting in and out of my bra. Sometimes it just hurts so bad, I can't get close. Then I just get all sucky and ask Gary to undo it for me. He doesn't have quite the same enthusiasm he used to have for that job. And he's pathetically out of practice. Which is actually somewhat of a relief when I think about it.

So anyway, now that I have things at least temporarily under control again, I hope not to whine quite so much, maybe have a bit fun and get back to embarrassing myself and my family.

Cara and Sven are going to take me shopping (one day) for my very own drug paraphernalia. Isn't that exciting? Whole new worlds are opening up for me.

Honestly, I am feeling very fortunate that I have the support of my family. Even my sister - a former nurse in oncology and (physical) rehab has no objections.

Questioning myself

I just read a sad news story about some members of a family found drowned in their car. And there were comments below it.

The first one stated something along the lines of : this sadness will stay with me a long time.

I dunno. Am I heartless? Sure, it's sad. It's puzzling. But I didn't know the people. I am not going to cry or worry or lose sleep over this. I notice this in various blogs too - where people - to me - seem to sympathize or agree overwhelmingly with the blogger to a degree I can not fathom. I'm not talking about those people who actually know the blogger in the real world - those are quite different. But total strangers who appear to have bleeding hearts about everything and everyone and never ever disagree with a blogger especially if they have a huge following. They will attack with full force, someone with a differing opinion. Am I missing some important piece of what makes us human? Some level of compassion? Some lesson of socialization maybe?

Somehow these types of comments ring hollow to me. I'm left thinking after some - geez - it wasn't that profound or even that correct. Are these just ass kissers? Are they expecting some sort of benediction from the one they worship? Or accolades from others reading it for recognizing something remarkable even if it wasn't?

It irritates the hell out of me and makes me want to slap people.

Tell me the truth now. Is it me that's lacking? or them that are phony?
(You will not hurt my feelings - there isn't much I can do about it if I'm a sociopath but it would be nice to know)

Happy Day After CAnada Day!

Yesterday was spent tidying up the yard a bit more between rain showers.

Being outside, it was inevitable that I'd be talking to my new neighbor as he's in and out of his place quite a bit. Very sociable fellow (Lee is much quieter)

He's heard a lot of stories about old Phillip - and added to them since so much crap was left behind in the house. He is amazed we all put up with him and didn't move away. He was very happy that so many of the neighbors were easy to get along with. He's made quite a difference to the neighborhood though. While we've been friendly enough with Bob (when he wasn't whining about something) and Paul and the Portuguese Dude across the street - who I now know, thanks to Steve the new neighbor, is Gabe (Steve says, gee, it took me a while to get to know Gabe - almost 2 weeks! I'm like - what'd you say his name was?).

While Paul, in the house the other side of Steve, is also a sociable guy, Phillip was a huge damper on the neighborhood. I notice there is a lot more yelling back and forth with digs and insults and laughing now that he's gone and a fun guy has taken his place. I hadn't really realized how isolated I'd become. In avoiding Phillip whenever possible, I had limited my exposure to all the neighbors. Maybe I'll start being friendlier to everyone. Seeing I'll be home more in another month (woohoo!) it might be a good idea. I'll have to keep my "fuck offs" to myself. Not everyone takes them as lightly as I tend to say them.

mish mosh

Today, I have tried 1 T3 along with 1 ibuprofen to see if I can get some better pain relief without so much nasty side effects. I need to be able to work.

I'm out of pot for the time being. My last "dose" was a little too much. I'd had what I thought would be good (time delay so it's hard to judge) and there was just a little bit left. Since I didn't have any more, I thought - oh heck, I'll just finish it off. Mistake.

They say you can't overdose on the stuff and that may be true but I think I'd go psychotic. Truly, I'll have to set my paints up one day and see if what goes through my head is any good. The world was swirling and pulsing and full of colour and awesome and then I fell asleep.

My crew is getting me some more one day. And a clone when it's ready so I have to set up a nursery. Is it true even one plant smells really bad? I was going to set it up in the bathroom downstairs which is already painted white and is quite spacious. I could clear a spot in the dungeon instead but it would be more work to make it comfortable for the new arrival. But if the baby is going to smell that bad, I don't want her smelling the whole house up.

Meanwhile, I'm semi nauseas and dizzy. I don't feel as bad as last time. I don't think there's any more pain relief than I get with tylenol alone - which is usually just the edge taken off it so I don't feel brittle. However, the muscle weakness I got last time feels more like relaxation this time. My neck is doing that snap, crackle, pop thing when I stretch and move. Still tend to the slouching unfortunately.

This codeine is definitely not as effective or pleasant as a small amount of pot.

What kind of amazes me is how there's nothing better than tylenol or advil that doesn't mess with your head. And they all make me want to sleep. The whole point of being pain free is so I can get shit done. I'm looking forward to hopefully making a successful tincture. I think with that, I can get a proper dose without overdoing it and getting stoned. I suppose if I smoked enough, I'd get better at judging but my lungs really can't handle it. I've smoked only once every 2 or 3 days but I find myself coughing throughout the day already. A friend suggested I get a vapourizer or use a bong but I still think the tincture is a better idea. It's portable for one thing. I don't have to sneak away somewhere to keep the smoke from being detected.

I think for recreational use, the joints and pipes and bongs and volcanoes are likely all part of the socialization of it. You share these things and become connected - like sharing a meal only more intimate. I just want medicine. I want a dosage that works and that I can work with. Easy peasy.

A lady yesterday said she liked my hair. Now I am torn. I hate my hair. I've always hated my hair. It's out of control. Even short, it wasn't easy. And I was stuck with one style. But now it's down to my shoulders (longer if pulled straight). To me it's frizzy and scraggly looking. But when it really bugs me, it's long enough to pull back into a pony tail or french braid. Which aren't really great looks for me any more (I hate what getting old does to your choices). Cara hates my hair like this and wants me to get it short again. Gary hates it short. That lady yesterday is my age. She has short hair. She'd like to grow it to my length she says. What to do? I don't want to make any more decisions. Somebody come and do it for me.

Salon closes in a month. Freedom or failure?

Honestly? I think if I hadn't been dealing with so much pain, I might have had the energy to do more to make it viable. On the other hand, I am useless at marketing. Deviousness and manipulation is not in my repertoire. I wonder how much of my personality has been shaped by the pain.

I was thinking back to when it started. I recall having a stiff neck in the morning when I was quite little - like 8 or 9. I had headaches a lot. When I was 16, I complained to my doctor about being tired all the time. He ignored me. I've been tired ever since. Doctors have continued to ignore it. (Hammer's comment about his back pain making him tired was what got me thinking about it all.) Maybe I've just never had the energy for bullshit. My head always feels foggy - except when I smoke pot.

99 Red Balloons

I haven't had my mp3 player charged for months since one of my kids "borrowed" my connector cord thingy. I got it back. I've been in my own private mosh pit all day. It's so amazing to hear only tunes you really like. I do need to add some new songs I think. I'm beginning to feel a little antiquated as there is nothing current on it. Not that there's much current I like but there are some.

End of days

My parents had issues with their families.

I lived a couple miles away from my Grandfather growing up yet never met him until after we had moved north. I was 16. He gave me a small shelf and some knickknacks. When he died, I received a couple Royal Doulton figurines from the estate and because my mother went apeshit when my Aunt gave my Dad my grandfather's Chartered Accountants ring, I got that too. My younger son wears it now. And I met my Aunt Flora and Uncle Paul for the first time. I was 19.

I have yet to meet my cousin, their son. He is a doctor in Oklahoma City where my Aunt is currently in a nursing home.

Uncle Paul was staying there with her for some time but needed to check on the house in Chicago and then the house here in town. He stopped by to visit for a few minutes last night. He asked Gary to stop by and give him a price on the driveway. So we both went.

He had been going through things and came across these photos of my brothers and sister and I. (I'm the cute one.) And he gave them to me.

It makes me very sad that he did this. Although I am happy to have them.

He is having to make some very important decisions. He did not let us know what all of them are. I am certain he will be selling one of his houses. It would be my guess that it would be the one here. But he had a brochure, and was saying that our nursing homes are much better than the ones in the states and he would like to move my Aunt once she is able to walk again. His own health is not great. He needs to simplify. While they have been living in the States for most of their lives, they were born Canadian. Maybe he wants to come home. Oklahoma City is far too hot for him and I got the impression that perhaps his son's family is far too busy to make moving their a particular pleasure. There is family here. And my Grandfather's home.

If he decides to sell here, Gary suggested we try to buy the house.

It was built in the 50's I think. And hasn't been redecorated since. Must have been the height of modernity then. It is a huge house though it has only 2 bedrooms. The living room was built to contain a grand piano without the room being cramped. It is in an extremely desirable neighborhood backing onto city gardens where brides like to have their wedding photos done.

It would be amazing. Not getting my hopes up though. I doubt we could afford it.

As for the photos, at first I thought I would give my siblings their photo. And then I thought - nah. They were given to me. My Mom has a set as well. They can have those pictures when she's done with them.

Summer Breeze

In the quiet and relative cool at the end of a busy hot day, small sounds travel from across the backyards. A child's laugh. A dog's bark. A lawnmower. The deep bass from some young punk's sound system. All of them far enough away to give a hint of wistfulness. A memory drifts up from the darkness like the smoke of a barbecue.

I had a child's body once. A body that loved to run and bend and twirl. A body that only knew the normal pains of skinned knees and hurt feelings. Our summer days were spent endlessly changing into and out of bathing suits. We made up a multitude of fascinating water games - Bonanza being our favourite. We played hide and seek or sardines or Hawaii Five-O in the cool forest. Our beach towels became gowns or long hair or baby blankets. We ate hot dogs, spaghettios or peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Drank gallons of kool-aid. Dreamed of becoming as old as 16 and having boobs and boyfriends. You could know someone for 15 minutes and they were your best friend.

Evening went on for hours. Dark comes late in summer. Long long past the customary bedtime at home. Dinner was eaten at 5:00. We might walk to the candy store for a treat, singing camp songs on the way. We might watch one of the 2 stations that came in on the black and white TV. We might go for a slow canoe ride on the still lake, dragging a lure in case the fish were biting. A baby's cry, the slap of a screen door, a squeal or a laugh rolls across the water. Inside voices are used even outside. The whine of the stock cars 3 miles away sounds much closer. The hum of mosquitoes. The splash of a fish jumping.

And sometimes, when sleeping over at my friend's cottage, we would go skinny dipping. We felt so naughty giggling in the water as we took off our bathing suits to feel the cool water directly on our nether regions uninhibited by cloth. We would swim and somersault with our lily white butts reflecting back what little light came down from the cottage windows. Nature performed a miracle for us. The water which cooled us in the hot sun, now was warmer than the chilly night air. Still, after what seemed hours to us and was likely 20 minutes, we climbed out of the water with blue lips, ran up to the cottage wrapped in our towels carrying our suits to change into our jammies and climb into bed.

I would love to go skinny dipping one more time.

Drug Trial #2

I popped a couple T3's a little over an hour ago.

Does this stuff really work for people?

It has done nothing for the pain. In fact, it makes my muscles feel weak rather than relaxed so I have tightened up more to compensate. I generally have very good posture out of necessity. Slouching hurts like a bitch because everything is out of whack. Sitting with a straight back to keep my head balanced and my neck aligned, while not relaxing, is most comfortable. With my muscles suddenly feeling weak all over (and not just my knees), I find myself slouching which pulls my neck muscles which also feel weak. I stop and hold my head with my hands now and then to ease the strain.

And the pain is still there.

On top of that, I am nauseas and I have pressure in my head - feels like sea sickness. If this stuff were stronger, I would be puking and have a headache.

My coordination is off, obviously. And my speech has been effected. Hello lisp. Nice to see you again.

This is most definitely not a fun drug. Not particularly effective for me.

My doctor is fucked in the head if she thinks this is the best direction to go. A couple drinks work better than this.

6 unimportant things that make me happy

Moannie did this meme and I thought I would steal it.

I have no idea why the entire sentence highlighted itself.

I am not asking anyone to do this, I just liked the idea.

1. Sven identifying himself on the phone. Besides the "yaa", it is the only time he has even the slightest hint of any accent and it fills me with glee for some strange inexplicable reason. "Hello, this is Sven" with the little lilt at the end. (He grew up in Sweden and Germany and has only been here a couple years)

2. My no-longer there living room wallpaper. Sad but true. It is still in pictures so I can still enjoy it and smile. I removed it reluctantly after numerous unequivocal recommendations from every other person who saw it. It was featured in a KFC ad with a wrecking ball coming through it. Also, it was pictured in a decorating magazine ad specifically warning individuals about what tacky decorating elements to avoid. Not wallpaper like mine. Mine. It still took me two years to take it down. But it still makes me very happy to think about it.

3. When my husband crawls into bed and thinking he hasn't woken me up, whispers "I love you" in my ear. He probably does it a lot when I'm actually sleeping. For all I know - he may do it every night. (maybe this is important like hugs from my kids - I dunno - I like it anyway)

4. Lily asking me to make my "famous" macaroni and cheese. It's even better than Kraft Dinner you know. And that's her favourite at home.

5. That moment people in churchy conservative circles and self righteous company aren't supposed to admit to: the warm rush of relaxation toward the end of the first alcoholic drink after a particularly stressful day. Also, a few minutes after a few tokes, when my knees go weak and it feels a little like falling in love (like the key change in When a Man Loves a Woman). I'm sorry Jesus, but you never made me feel like this not that I don't enjoy those spiritual moments too.

6. When Winston chooses to sleep with me instead of Graeme. (It's actually the next morning when Graeme calls him a traitor that I love the best. Does that make me a bad Mom?)

7. April's laugh. She has a wonderful, deep, attractive, shall I say sexy? laugh. I should probably tell her.
I know the list was supposed to stop at 6 but since when do I follow all the rules? Actually, I used to, you know. Follow almost all of them and suffered great anxiety when I didn't. But some rules are stupid I've found. And arbitrary and made by people who like to tell other people what to do and make up rules to make life difficult for people. I no longer respect laws made that do not respect other's needs or allow for people to make a decision for themselves.

8. Summer - and it's here NOW!

My husband is nuts

I have to watch what I say.

Our weather yesterday was balmy and beautiful (some were complaining about the heat but I always want to just slap them because they also complain about the rain and the cool and snow).

I mumbled out loud...I kinda feel like going to a casino - the weather reminds me of Las Vegas.

I also made the mistake of trying out the tylenol 3's just before bed. I wasn't awake long enough to tell if they got rid of the pain. I also wasn't able to get myself awake enough to say no when Gary came in the bedroom saying he found a deal for Las Vegas in December, should he book it?

He didn't even bother to ask me about Miami in August.

Why Miami? I don't know. We have never ever discussed Miami.

Guess how long we are going to Miami for. A whole 24 hours. WTF? I don't think he's thinking clearly. Who flies thousands of miles to spend a night somewhere?